It's Not Fair

*Disclaimer:  this is apparently a post I wrote a month after my mom died which would be sometime the end of December.  So this is not in chronological order with the rest.  (sounds like my brain sometimes, not in order)

It is NOT fair. This could go for so many things in this world. Such as having to work five days a week, not having enough tequila when you are making beer margarita's, or having your favorite show cancelled. Yeah, all those things aren't really fair in relation to where you are in life.

However, in reference to my title, I'm meaning how my mom was taken from her family. I say 'taken' because that's how it feels. I suppose someone could argue the fact that we had 6 months with our mom before cancer took her so it wasn't like a big shock when she died. But that's how we felt the last 6 months of her life....shocked. I'm still shocked. She died last month and I'm still in shock. It's not fair that she left. It's not fair that she spent her entire life taking care of everyone else and this is the thanks she gets: CANCER. There are a lot of evil-doers out there, mean people who hurt children, rape women, kill innocent people. Why couldn't they suffer like my mom did? They deserve what she had to go through. She was one of the good guys. A selfless caregiver. She was put in situations that would stress the strongest of all people to their max and she lived it every day. She should've been given the opportunity to have some peace and quiet and live her life with no stress. She wasn't afforded that...ever. Maybe the only peace she knew was AFTER she died. It's pretty sad when you have to die to get the peace you deserved.

It's not fair that she raised her four children, then two of her grandchildren, and when dad had his first stroke, she took care of HIM as well. I have a lot of anger in my heart in regards to dad. I have a lot of anger in my heart in regards to Brittany, my niece with whom my mom had the most problems. I want to get over the anger......sometimes. But I feel myself holding on to it. I blame her for a lot of my mom's stress and ultimate sickness. At one point, I did hate that girl. I am still terribly hurt when I look at her. Mainly because mom confided a lot in me with what was going on with Brittany. She even begged me to step in and be the bad guy and kick her out. So I did, on a few occasions. It didn't stick. Brittany would play mom like a fiddle and mom would feel so sorry for Brittany's kids that she would take them back in. So Brittany, like any grateful person who was jobless, homeless, diaper-less, money-less, would step up and pull her weight so mom wouldn't have to do anything but take care of dad.....oh wait, she didn't do that at all. She belittled my mom, she yelled at her, stole from her, threatened her, played my dad against her. Yeah, that's how she showed her appreciation for everything mom did for her. Nice, huh?

My mom's heart....it was a soft one. Brittany knew it. She knew just the right buttons to push. Mainly, she knew to go to grandpa to get whatever she wanted. How does one learn to mooch off people and still feel ok doing it? I will never understand that. How can one be so selfish and really not see the big picture and see the torture they put others through? How can they justify anything they do? If they're smart, they can't.

Wow...I mean, really....Wow. 

It's been 6 years since I started this blog.  If I was at Catholic confession, I would rephrase this as "forgive me father, it's been 6 years since my last confession."  I'm not catholic but I may view some of this as confessions but since you are not "GOD" you have no room to judge me so zip it. As it is ever-apparent, I do go off on tangents when I write so forgive me for that.  However, that should give you a little glimpse into my thought processes....scattered and random.  So, I gotta catch up for the last several years.  I am probably going to be changing this blog up as I go (blog, not post).

I think I'll have different categories for my ramblings.  Maybe one on religion (blech), family, travel, etc.  We'll see.  I am a virgo and I do love organization and have such disdain for starting a project and not finishing it.  So you might as well know now that I'm disappointed with myself.  

I was reading through some of my likes and dislikes from 2006.  My how I have changed.  Screw Sonic and their Blasts.  They suck.  I've discovered Braums mix.  They are the bee's knees.  What the hell does that mean anyway?  Bee's knees?  Someone research that and get back with me.  Kthxbai

Ok, so right now I'm off to discover what all this blog application will allow me to do.  Check back later sucka's!

TGIF

Thank God It's Friday! I am taking off every Friday until after New Years. But not today. I missed yesterday because I was sick so I needed to go in. But alas, the day dragged on and finally came to a business end! Whew!! I don't really have anything to do this weekend except for cleaning since I haven't done that all week. I am really upset that I can't get into the Rheumatologist until February. I'm going to keep a journal of my daily pain/or no pain. That way, I'll have something to refer back to that will help me remember. Most days I have pain. Manageable pain, nevertheless, there's pain.

Today, Friday, November 17: No pain today. Great day (except for the clogged nose), but hey! I can deal with that! There was just a hint of pain yesterday, but I slept through most of it thanks to my handy dandy friend Ben - adryl! ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Later Chumps!

Cough Cough, Sneeze Sneeze! ahhhhchooo!

Ok, well....today was not such a good day. I was up all night coughing, sneezing, hacking. Couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep. Took Benedryl and it made me sleepy but only worked for about 3 hours. So I dragged my butt to the kitchen to take it regularly. A clearly thinking person would've just brought it to the bedroom with a drink so I didn't have to get out of bed. Guess I'm not thinking so clearly.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better. I wish I was able to go to work because I had so much to do. It'll be there tomorrow 10 fold. Job security I figure. I was kinda happy that I got to see some of the daytime talk shows I usually miss, but I only saw about 15 minutes of each because I drifted off to sleep and missed them. Good thing for DVR!

Tomorrow will be a better day. I am getting up now (even though it's 6:30 in the evening) to take a shower and change my sheets because I'm a Virgo and I have to have things just right for every occasion, even if it involves coughing up phlegm. Tah tah for now.

November 15

Ok, well this is the first start of my blog. Since I am sooo green about this, I will be very infantile in my entries until I become a freeeeeking pro! So watch out! The only way to go is UP!

I'm going to try to post some photos I took recently of my trip to Lake Tenkiller.