Attention Store Associates

Attention *insert store name here* shoppers

Picture yourself at Target, in line behind four people with cart-fulls of stuff. You've been in line for what seems an eternity (but really like 8 minutes). Ok, a rush a people storm the check-out lines where there are only two workers available. You hear "I can help someone on register 2."

OH.NO.YOU.DIDN'T! Did she just leave it up to the masses to determine who is most deserving of being helped next? Yep, she sure did. Then you hear a pimple-faced punk say "I can help someone on register 8." OMFG! Noooo, Nooooo. This is NOT happening. I'm wedged between people bombarding the area so I can't move, yet these assholes who JUST walked up get help first. That is just plain wrong. Wrong. I would like to implore to the management of any establishment such as this to teach your sales associates to seek out the person who has already been waiting in line at great length. Tell the customer, by looking at them directly, "please follow me and I can check you out on register 2."

If you leave it to the common shopper mentality, more often than not, you will get total anarchy when the check-out system is poorly executed.  Between those who have 'paid their dues' by spending time patiently in line and those "ME FIRST' morons, it is inviting spite, anger, verbal attacks (and I didn't apologize if that's what you want to know). Really, you're doing everyone a favor PLUS you are teaching a valuable lesson. One of which people should already know when we learned the "take your turn, be polite, don't be rude, don't cut in line' kinda crap in kindergarten.

(putting soap box up until next time)

I've lost Fun Ellen....anyone see her lately?

**another "past" blog.  I guess I was busier than I thought with capturing thoughts.  Just didn't take that extra step to post.

In fear of sounding like a broken record.... now wait a minute.  The whole "sounding like a broken record" phrase has always been referenced to "repeating ones self" kinda thing.  But a broken record won't play at all, so that makes NO sense to me.  Someone explain, but only if it makes sense.

Starting again:  In fear of sounding like.....something that repeats over and over {give me some ideas on what to put there}, I want to say that I think part of me died when my mom died.  I used to have this quick wit (or some I say I did).  I was sarcastic, funny, quick-witted, and just kinda fun to be around most of the time.  I read some things I wrote about a year ago.  Man that shit was hilarious.  But today, I can't even relate to that person.  Did my funny soul exit my body without telling me?  Have I been so wrapped up with mourning and sadness that I lost my funny?  Say it ain't so.  Well, I'm calling a search party for Fun Ellen.  I want everyone to search high and low for her.  She's got to be around somewhere.  I can't go too much longer with who I am right now.  Boring.  Something's gotta give.  Ok, GO!  let me know what you find out about where I am!  I'll be waiting.......

Resolutions - I hate 'em

I do not like making resolutions when the new year rolls around. I don't know how to motivate myself and stick to something I 'promised' to do. There is only one promise, lately, that I have fulfilled and I will continue to fulfill. That's the promise I made to mom a few weeks before she died: to make sure dad was taken care of. That just has to happen no matter what.

So why can't I make other resolutions stick? Am I that weak or lazy? Sometimes, I am lazy. I guess I could say that my new years' resolution was to not be so lazy. Eh, boring. One year, I made the resolution to wish everyone a happy birthday that year. So on January 2, I posted on FB and to all my email contacts a Happy Birthday!, just in case I forgot when it really WAS their birthday. Hey, I found a way to make sure I did it. Pretty lame, I know.

Who says you have to make a New Years' resolution anyway? I happen to know (and say repeatedly) that no one is the boss of me (with exception to my work boss, and even then I'm sure he wonders if he's even boss of me sometimes). So why do I feel compelled to make resolutions? Must I succumb to the peer pressure and jump on the band wagon, even when I don't play an instrument? Probably. But this IS a time of reflection, so they say. I tell you this: I have been in a state of reflection since May 27 when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. *See Blog titled "It's not fair."

I digress. There ARE a few things I would like to resolve. Aside from the cosmetic repairs I'd like to have done to me, there are many things on the 'inside' that I think would be a good time to try and correct. For now, I won't bore you with what those are. Frankly, I need time to reflect on just how much of 'me' I want to change.

Self Loathing and all....that....JAZZ

**I'm posting this now, but I think I wrote it some time after momma left me.

I'm pretty sure I go through this every year.  Maybe even at the same time.  I look at myself in the mirror, don't like what I see.  Everyone is making resolutions so I teter back and forth deciding on what I want to do with me.  It's the time of year where we eat too much, don't have any color on our skin, everything is drying out, some days are just dull because, hey, it's winter.  In all my blogs, my intention is never to be negative, but I either start out in a funk, or end up in one.  What gives?  Maybe I need medication? 

I have not gotten any sleep.  I oversleep, but really I'm not getting the sleep I need so oversleeping doesn't really describe it.  You have to actually GET sleep to OVERsleep, right?  *sigh*  Anyway, I have been a go go go gal since before Christmas.  Well, since before that because I was juggling two households with taking care of my parents and my own life.  I pretty much just took care of them and put my own life on hold.  I remember Paula responding to me saying "I need to get some work done on my face now!." with "no, sister, you need to wait until all *this* is over.  You are going to look horrible by the time *this* passes."  She's right.  I look absolutely horrible.  So horrible, in fact, that I think I'll do a before and after photo because that's how bad I look.  Don't patronize me and say "No, you look fine."  I know what MY fine looks like and it looks nothing like this person I see in the mirror.  I'm getting a roll around my midsection, I have puffy eyes all day long, my eye lids sag over my lashes, my skin his horrible and getting cysts again, when I stop jumping, parts of me still jump.  It's horrendous.  Absolutely pitiful.  So on my drive into work, I think to myself, I'm going to get back on a soccer team.  I don't care whose team I'm on, I need the exercise.  I love soccer.  Then......this morning at work, I get a text from Paula.  She said the new season is starting on January 18, am I ready?  Uhhh chills.  Because I was just putting that out into the universe about two hours before.  She must've reached up there and grabbed it.  Thanks, universe.  Yes, I'm ready.  But I need more than soccer.  Not that I can fit anything else in, but I'm going to try.  I used to be busy every day of the week.  Loved it, mostly.  Now, my busy consists of showering dad, getting his groceries, cleaning his house and doing laundry.  Granted he does have a caregiver that takes some of the load off.  But I think she's getting bored over there.  He really only needs help with meals, showers, sometimes getting dressed, and bed time.  There is the pooping thing where you just can't schedule that so that is the main reason we have someone there during the day.  I think he'd be ok every other day if everyone else in my family would stop by on a daily basis to check on him.  I don't want to leave him alone without any contact whatsoever.  Why did I get off on this subject?  This is talked about in so many other posts, but now you see....it consumes my life, my thoughts, my worries, my stress.  Ok, so the bags, sleeplessness, crankiness has determined its origination. 

Back to me.  I am an instant gratification person.  Instant.  Not tomorrow, that's too far away.  I want what I want and I want it now.  I don't need Chris Robbins to tell me how to get it.  I know that you idiot.  I don't need Steven Covey to tell me how to deal with all this.  I know.  The problem is me actually DOING it. 

I'm going to make a list and bring it back here.  A list of internal changes I want to make (don't worry, I would NEVER change who I am, because that's what people love about me.....right?).  A list of external changes (boy this is going to be a huge post), and other musings.  Get ready!

It's Not Fair

*Disclaimer:  this is apparently a post I wrote a month after my mom died which would be sometime the end of December.  So this is not in chronological order with the rest.  (sounds like my brain sometimes, not in order)

It is NOT fair. This could go for so many things in this world. Such as having to work five days a week, not having enough tequila when you are making beer margarita's, or having your favorite show cancelled. Yeah, all those things aren't really fair in relation to where you are in life.

However, in reference to my title, I'm meaning how my mom was taken from her family. I say 'taken' because that's how it feels. I suppose someone could argue the fact that we had 6 months with our mom before cancer took her so it wasn't like a big shock when she died. But that's how we felt the last 6 months of her life....shocked. I'm still shocked. She died last month and I'm still in shock. It's not fair that she left. It's not fair that she spent her entire life taking care of everyone else and this is the thanks she gets: CANCER. There are a lot of evil-doers out there, mean people who hurt children, rape women, kill innocent people. Why couldn't they suffer like my mom did? They deserve what she had to go through. She was one of the good guys. A selfless caregiver. She was put in situations that would stress the strongest of all people to their max and she lived it every day. She should've been given the opportunity to have some peace and quiet and live her life with no stress. She wasn't afforded that...ever. Maybe the only peace she knew was AFTER she died. It's pretty sad when you have to die to get the peace you deserved.

It's not fair that she raised her four children, then two of her grandchildren, and when dad had his first stroke, she took care of HIM as well. I have a lot of anger in my heart in regards to dad. I have a lot of anger in my heart in regards to Brittany, my niece with whom my mom had the most problems. I want to get over the anger......sometimes. But I feel myself holding on to it. I blame her for a lot of my mom's stress and ultimate sickness. At one point, I did hate that girl. I am still terribly hurt when I look at her. Mainly because mom confided a lot in me with what was going on with Brittany. She even begged me to step in and be the bad guy and kick her out. So I did, on a few occasions. It didn't stick. Brittany would play mom like a fiddle and mom would feel so sorry for Brittany's kids that she would take them back in. So Brittany, like any grateful person who was jobless, homeless, diaper-less, money-less, would step up and pull her weight so mom wouldn't have to do anything but take care of dad.....oh wait, she didn't do that at all. She belittled my mom, she yelled at her, stole from her, threatened her, played my dad against her. Yeah, that's how she showed her appreciation for everything mom did for her. Nice, huh?

My mom's heart....it was a soft one. Brittany knew it. She knew just the right buttons to push. Mainly, she knew to go to grandpa to get whatever she wanted. How does one learn to mooch off people and still feel ok doing it? I will never understand that. How can one be so selfish and really not see the big picture and see the torture they put others through? How can they justify anything they do? If they're smart, they can't.

Wow...I mean, really....Wow. 

It's been 6 years since I started this blog.  If I was at Catholic confession, I would rephrase this as "forgive me father, it's been 6 years since my last confession."  I'm not catholic but I may view some of this as confessions but since you are not "GOD" you have no room to judge me so zip it. As it is ever-apparent, I do go off on tangents when I write so forgive me for that.  However, that should give you a little glimpse into my thought processes....scattered and random.  So, I gotta catch up for the last several years.  I am probably going to be changing this blog up as I go (blog, not post).

I think I'll have different categories for my ramblings.  Maybe one on religion (blech), family, travel, etc.  We'll see.  I am a virgo and I do love organization and have such disdain for starting a project and not finishing it.  So you might as well know now that I'm disappointed with myself.  

I was reading through some of my likes and dislikes from 2006.  My how I have changed.  Screw Sonic and their Blasts.  They suck.  I've discovered Braums mix.  They are the bee's knees.  What the hell does that mean anyway?  Bee's knees?  Someone research that and get back with me.  Kthxbai

Ok, so right now I'm off to discover what all this blog application will allow me to do.  Check back later sucka's!